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Poker Deutsch Much of the behavior has not stopped even now. But it is an aspect as both sides of a coin are aspects of the same coin. I wanted him to be somebody else. There never was anything happening. Grasp as I might, I am left empty handed and open hearted.

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But upon stepping off the edge in this totally unreasonable way, it seems abundantly clear that reason and self-centeredness are just this tiny speck in the totality of the openness of life. But it is to recognize that simultaneously, there exists the domain — what my friend, John Veen , calls the vertical context. I started writing and blogging a few years ago with the intention of shining a light on that suffering, revealing it for what it is. The other effect was to trigger the self-centered, possessive mechanism that wants to claim everything as its own. The fullness and murkiness of it.

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What I was wishing for, in wishing that he was still alive, was that he would have deadened down a bit, closed his heart, lied about who he was and what he needed. But the best guess based on the available evidence, is that he was killed by a bear while he went to get another part of a moose he had killed. I had an unquestioned, unconscious belief that myself was an object that limited and harmed the real me. That fixation narrows this open awareness, like squinting does to vision. Let me give you an example. My best attempts to grasp and give words to it can only extend so far as to say sounds and sensations were happening. It generates a kind of illusion of division — this and that, here and there, now and then.

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